The theory behind creating a blog, as far as I can suppose, is to allow your thoughts, opinions, and musings to enter an arena where anyone who wishes can view them, and in turn impart their own pebbles of personality. This, of course, has many facets to it, both positive and negative, and each blogger establishes his or her comfort margin as he or she posts.
Although I initially started Ink As Rain as a pseudo-diary for my friends, I am absolutely elated and honored by the feedback I have received in the process. I adore posting, and every comment elicits an extensive range of onomatopoeia. Every day brought literary opportunities I had never recognized before, and I found such a wonderful method to express them...
Before February 18th.
On February 18th, I became aware that a particular individual had slid into the ranks of the readers of Ink as Rain. Believe me when I say that the presence of this person is an immeasurable insult to everyone here. This individual has inflicted unbelievable suffering at the hands of this person, and this person has embraced behaviors and habits which can kindly be described as disgusting.
I don't want to drag out what this person's betrayal has done to my life. I have already composed several posts regarding this that remain unposted, all of which contain such bitter, unincompassibly angry invective that I am slightly intimidated by the force of my emotions. But now that I know this person is reading, I feel utterly trapped. To continue while this person reads is abhorrent to me, but at the same time I desperatly wish to continue my blog.
I have spent the past nineteen days grappling with this Gordian Knot, and I remain at a loss. I feel terrible to dredge this up here, in front of you all, but I am in desperate need of advice. I hope that perhaps the perspective of bloggers will help me find an answer.
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4 comments:
Continue your blog, M. This is about you and who you are, and who admires you and your writings out here in the great big world. The blog is not about that unknown party who hovers and reads your words, nor should it be.
Your presence among us bloggers is appreciated and admired. Just look the other way if you can...and keep on blogging!
B'hatzlacha.
Dear M,
You have a beautiful gift. The ability to transport your reader into the mind and location of your character reflects uncommon insight, well beyond your years. I have been moved.
I understand your dilemma and think that the best path is always the one that is true to yourself. By not writing, you are giving all your power to this other person. In contrast, continuing to post, lessons the force of this person in your life. You can’t control people and events outside yourself so why expend energy trying to manipulate those forces. Instead look inward, and use that energy for growth and action in your own life.
In addition, I couldn’t help but be taken by the force of your anger. From first hand experience I know that fostering anger beyond it’s initial airing ends up hurting me, not the person who that anger is directed towards. Although it is important for me to validate and fully explore my feelings of anger, I don’t allow them to live and grow within me where they obscure my true self and lead to disembodiment. Instead I release them to paper and sometimes have a friend bear witness to them, and then they seem to dissipate, with only occasional visits. You seem to be blessed with the gift of empathy; otherwise I don’t see how you could write so well. I would hate to see that talent cut off and have your ability to see and feel your own heart and mind obscured by harboring this poison within you. Perhaps this blog could provide a place for the anger to live, freeing you to release it and move on with your life.
I do hope you keep writing in any case.
We've spoken about this... I do think you will be stronger as a result of not giving in. Don't let anger own you- be its master. Turn the energy toward something positive, and above all, remember that you call the shots, and you determine your own comfort level. Let 'living well be its own revenge' to paraphrase that old saying... And remember that you have hordes of screaming fans
:)
-MN
Although I have a sneaking suspicion as to who that person might be, I sure hope you won't stop posting! Your reading is so enjoyable, that I've bookmarked this blog, and look forward to reading every new addition. If you express your anger towards this party, that's OK too, although I don't suppose you'd be telling them anything online that you haven't already expressed through other means. Keep writing!!!
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