I am leaving in exactly one week.
I am terrified.
I feel as though I'm on an icy slope, speeding faster and faster through raw, frigid darkness, and I can't stop. Or as though I am lost in thundering, monstrous, crushing waves with no movement, no air, and no escape. Or as though I am completely alone in some tiny prison that grows smaller and more terrible with every passing second...
Oh, the limits of imagery! I'm groping for words that melt through my fingers like sand. I want to go to Israel, of course I do; how can I so badly want to stay home? I'm being blinded by constant flashes of irrepressable foreboding, breaking into shudders and blinking back tears at inexplicable moments. I'm sobbing myself to sleep, I imagine, or I am curling in utter terror as I reach Har Nof.
It will all be so different, so hard. I'm not nervous, I'm not anxious... just terrified.
I have to let this rest for now. Changes in condition to be recounted tomorrow.
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2 comments:
Sure, it's terrifying. I think that a lot of people feel that way before their "year." And the funny thing is, it'll probably be just as terrifying right before you come home...
We'll miss you!
Any big moves in life, whether marriage, having a child, switching jobs, or spending the year after high school - are both exhilirating and terrifying at the same time....but so worth it!
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